How to Keep Peace in the Family?
If a husband communicates on the Internet with someone else’s women and his wife is also a competent woman, at night when her husband is sleeping, she looks in his phone and finds these messages and reads them. Of course, she does not have the right to do so, but still reads them. Then she loses respect for him. Love for her husband turns into hatred and her tongue loosens.
And then they say about her that she hounds him, that she wants to drive him under her heel, that she is a woman with a bad temper, and because of her, they say, there are quarrels at home. Wine, of course, is part of it, but the question arises: who pushed her to this? That’s right, she uses bad language, but in fact it was her husband who made her use language like that. If he paid the attention to his wife which he paid to a strange woman, it would not be like this. She would be better.
Therefore, the blame lies on all such men. Did our Prophet ** speak to strange women? And how did he – it is interesting - talk with his wives? Did the Prophet ** not say: “The best of you is the one who treats his wives better than anyone, and I am the best of all of you to my wives”? And is there any quality in you that is in the Messenger of Allah **? And whom are you following?
So, if it has happened that a man has taken a second wife, this was predestined for him. For example, I will tell a story told by Abav, “A certain person told me that he happened to marry a woman because of Davud from the village of Akhalchi. I asked him, ‘Why did you marry her because of Davud?’ He told me, ‘Davud was my friend. He came to me and asked me to find him a wife. I went to a woman I knew and asked her to marry my best friend, to which she agreed. After receiving the consent, Davud went home and promised to return after a while for the conclusion of nikah (marriage). But after a while, news came from Davud that he would not be able to marry her. This was after she had given her agreement, and I had given the woman Davud’s word. And then she said to me: ‘Davud did not propose to me, but you, how about taking me as your wife?’ You see - I am a man, how could I refuse? And so, because of Davud, I took her as my wife.” This case, indeed, can be considered a predestination of the Almighty!
In general, if it has been so predetermined and a man has taken a second wife, then some of those who have married two wives try to make them be friends with one another, so that they love each other. But in books it is written that two wives are like this world and the next: if you satisfy one, then you will anger and alienate yourself from the second. Or two wives are like east and west: if you approach one, then you move away from the other. Or they are like two scientists, one of whom received knowledge for the sake of akhirat, and the second for the sake of the worldly. And there also may be enmity between them.
The two women are like one another. And of women who are like the above, the husband demands that they be like sisters, like friends, so that they go to weddings and funerals together. I’m not saying that there are no exceptions, but, as a general principle, this must not be done. Imam Sha’rani did not act like this either. In books about wives, it is written that one of them does not rejoice at anything more than that which has harmed the other. And if they are together, then what will be their situation? Outwardly afraid of you or hoping to get something from you, they will show (love), while grinding their teeth. Why oppress them with such a demand? Isn’t their contentment with the predestination of the Most High and obedience to you sufficient? Now that you have taken for yourself a second wife, leave her to herself, why pressure them? Put yourself in her place. Is it really not enough that they do not harm one another?
But once married, you need to treat your wives politely, so that they display shame before you, so that they do not treat you rudely, and you them, and that you do not just tolerate one other, but live happily. First, we realized that two wives must not be forced to play the role of sisters. Secondly, since they are both your wives, they may quarrel among themselves and argue with you. However, you will have to endure it and demonstrate good nature. Having married, you, in fact, have chosen for yourself pleasure, so you will have to suffer the bitterness of it as well. After all, you cannot always enjoy, can you? Not in vain do they say about marriage: “Joy of the month, caring about life.”
We also need to understand that in manifesting a good disposition in relation to your wife – this is not nonchalance towards her harmfulness, but rather patience regarding the harmfulness coming from her, and demonstrating mercy towards her anger, following in this the example of the Prophet **. Sometimes the wives of the Prophet ** contradicted him. It also happened that they did not talk to him all day, as if they were aggrieved at him, but, no matter what happened there, the Prophet ** did not say them anything to them that insulted them. We, too, should also strive to do this. Moreover, Islam teaches us to endure their tempers, joke with them, carry on pleasant conversations with them and praise them; Islam teaches that this approach captivates both children and wives. We know how strict a man was a companion, Umar, but at the same time he said: “It is fitting for a man to behave with his wife as though he were a small child.” However, at the same time, you cannot transgress the boundaries of the Sharia and do just anything she wants. We should abide by this also.
SHEIKH AHMAD-AFANDI, MUFTI OF DAGESTAN REPUBLIC
