To separate silently
To part in silence – the decision made by more and more modern people seeking to avoid discomfort and unpleasant emotions in family relationships.
This implies that the other person will understand everything without words. However, it often turns out that talking could have saved the family.
A Wall of Misunderstanding
Divorce is becoming a normal phenomenon in the perception of Russians, not a deviation, according to a VTsIOM survey. Seven out of ten marriages end in divorce (4.7 divorces per 1,000 people versus 6.5 marriages). This rate is higher than in the US (2.4), China (3.2), and Europe (2). The pandemic has contributed significantly to these sad statistics: it has become clear that spouses find it unbearable to be together 24/7. But long-term socioeconomic trends have had an equally significant impact. A significant shift in values has occurred: today, public opinion normalises separation and a model of contextual marriage is emerging in which divorce is considered an acceptable means of leaving a relationship, if it has lost its meaning.
As a result, only seven percent of Russians share the opinion that “divorce should never be allowed; a marriage must be saved at any cost”. Twenty-four percent of respondents believe that divorce is acceptable when the family has already effectively broken up. Sixty-one percent are convinced that everything depends on specific cases, and thirty four percent believe there are no insurmountable obstacles to divorce.
Importantly, respondents cite misunderstanding, emotional detachment, and loss of communication as the main reasons for separation: “In the overall response pool, options related to emotional detachment rank higher than economic constraints. This means that, overall, empathy and dialogue in marriage play a greater role than life’s problems, circumstances, and instability. The study’s authors explain that this reflects a shift in the value structure of marriage: from a utilitarian-economic model to an emotional-communicative one.
For Love or Convenience
The age-old dilemma of “marry for love or for convenience?” is well known to readers of classic novels. Royalty suffered from the need to renounce their feelings for the sake of state interests; members of the nobility were forced to consider the family background of a potential spouse first and foremost to avoid losing social standing due to an “inappropriate” union; and ordinary people often focused on the economic benefits of marriage.
Today, utilitarian considerations are receding into the background. The same VTsIOM, analyzing how Russians’ views on marriage have changed over two decades, notes: the institution of the family is transforming, and along with it, ideas about the motives for marriage are changing. Today, only a quarter of respondents marry for the sake of having children (compared to almost forty percent in 2005). Marriage is also no longer a way to escape loneliness, and marriages of convenience are also losing relevance. Interestingly, the only motive that has strengthened over the past twenty years (it is cited three times more often than in 2005) is marrying in accordance with religious and national traditions. Most interestingly, this motive has ranked second among young people under 25, surpassing even procreation and avoiding loneliness. “Marriage is becoming increasingly symbolic”, the researchers conclude. And as marriage ceases to be perceived as an obligatory stage in life, young people are seeking compelling reasons for entering into a union, and these reasons are becoming increasingly less pragmatic.
In Search of Harmony
Priorities are shifting from material wealth to relationship harmony, according to the results of another VTsIOM survey on ideas about the ideal family. Russians are increasingly saying that an ideal family is characterized by mutual understanding, support, and respect, even if financial difficulties sometimes arise. Wealth played a significant role in 2012 (seventeen percent believed that in an ideal family, no one wants for anything, even if the relationship is not always smooth). Today, however, only seven percent prioritize material wealth over relationship harmony.
The results of surveys about the ideal family and the reasons for divorce are interconnected: not finding what they were looking for (harmony and mutual understanding) in their married life leads people to decide to separate.
Self-realization is a priority for modern people. Consequently, a potential life partner should, at a minimum, not interfere with this, and therefore accept their spouse as an equal, consider their interests and support their education and career. It is equally important for people living together to have something to talk about, and this is impossible if they do not have common interests and aspirations. If values conflict, life paths inevitably diverge.
Just Talk
An important trend noted by psychologists: people are increasingly breaking up without a word. Women are particularly prone to silent departures: despairing of their husbands paying attention to their problems and needs; they pack up and leave.
It often turns out that saving the marriage would have been possible with a simple conversation: explaining what is bothering each spouse, discussing how to fix it and finding a solution together. However, due to pride, an inability to admit one’s mistakes and a lack of basic communication skills, mutual resentment and dissatisfaction are growing like a snowball and emotional estrangement prevents them from building rapport.
The problem also lies in the fact that people lose the ability to reflect: they find it difficult to understand their feelings and recognize what exactly is bothering them in the marriage. When a person is unable to understand himself, a quality dialogue with his interlocutor is out of the question, so he prefers to leave silently and avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions. In this case, one’s own comfort comes first, while the other person’s feelings remain “behind the scenes”. Meanwhile, open conflict with “everything that has been building up” may be a better option than silent distancing, even if it still leads to a breakup.
The fact is that, as psychologists note, it is crucial for people to put an end to a relationship in order to move on. A lack of explanation leaves them in a state of emotional incompleteness and is perceived as a signal that they are of no significance. As a result, the person continues to torment himself with thoughts about why he was treated this way, what he did wrong and blame himself for what happened. A lack of understanding of the reasons increases anxiety and uncertainty, and also leads to a loss of trust in others.
Experts recommend finding the strength to talk in any case: explain, apologize, or thank someone instead of remaining silent and worried, or even worse, walking away.
