Strict hierarchy in parent-child relationships
Who is the boss in your house?
Perhaps this is not the most appropriate word to define the roles in one’s home but it is sometimes the best way to reflect the real situation and balance of power. A child sometimes commands his parents from the very first days of life, decides everything for them, although it is they who get up early in the morning, cook breakfast, go to work, take him to kindergarten and take care of the child in every possible way. Parents are constantly tense from fear that any little thing can cause an explosion of indignation and unpredictable behavior in the child.
Feeling powerlessness and helplessness, parents wonder whether there is any point in trying to change anything, and often justify their inaction with external circumstances: the child just has such a temperament, he is so influenced by neighboring children, this is how the move to another city affected him, he was spoiled by grandparents, etc. It is necessary to recognize a very important fact: if it happens that the child reigns in your family, it is only because you yourself voluntarily handed over the leadership to your child.
But not all is hopelessly lost! You can take back what you gave away and this will not only make your life easier, but also do good to your child. Indeed, it is possible to establish warm relations with a child on the principles of trust but with the obligatory and complete preservation of parental authority. Nothing will happen by itself. It is the father and mother who will have to create such relations in the family. Any authority is a question of superiority. The primacy of parents is a basic principle of education and not just a formal assertion of their power. It should be noted that it will not work to educate a child through negative emotions.
Education is the formation of correct habits and that can hardly be achieved without love and patience towards a child. Patience implies: “You cannot do this today and refuse to do it. Tomorrow - too. The day after tomorrow you will do it. I will help you.” Patience means trying many times, not waiting in inaction.
If a parent does not have authority, then he cannot exert the necessary influence on the child and is unlikely to be able to effectively accustom the child to what is necessary. The role and position of parents are such that the child cannot decide with them on an equal footing what behavior is acceptable and what is unacceptable. How can he know what is better in the supermarket - to hold your hand or run around the entire store? Even if you explained this to the child and agreed on how to behave, he still does not have the slightest idea of what an agreement is, he is simply not mature enough to understand its essence.
In life, we have to do many things that we would not do with pleasure, if we had a choice. But more often we do not. Naturally, you cannot ask the same from a five-year-old child, a fifteen-year-old teenager and an adult. In any case, the parent must always take on the most unpleasant part of responsibility: to put up a barrier and demand that the child do what he (the adult) considers necessary.
The more confident, stable and calm parents behave with their children, the sooner they realize that they already have a certain degree of authority, the easier it is for the child to come to terms with this state of affairs. A strict hierarchy in parent-child relationships has never done any harm. Strictness does not mean evil, aggressive and punitive, but rather stable, calm, confident and unshakable. Treat the child’s age-related needs with care. A table describing age-related characteristics and crises (turning points) in the lives of children and adolescents, which are very useful for adults to become acquainted with, will help with this.
The answer to the question of why parents do not have authority is very simple: because they have abandoned it. Whether consciously or not is another question. Perhaps the parents were not ready for the appearance of the child and were not mature enough for adult behavior themselves. This applies to both parents and each of them is 100% responsible for the result of upbringing.
Parents who lack authority over their children can be divided into two groups:
- Parents who believe that they have no problem with this or believe that the issue of authority is not that important. They adore their little “dictator” and explain this by the fact that they are friends with the child. Explaining to parents why they are wrong is a waste of time, since they are happy with themselves and their child.
- Parents who suffer from a lack of authority and want to correct the situation. Most often, they feel that the problem complicates life for both them and the child. And past attempts to restore authority were unsuccessful due to the erroneous methods used. In this situation, it is important to consolidate the conviction that parental authority not only rightfully belongs to the mother and father but is also their responsibility and that there are effective ways to establish and restore it.
The way we speak and comport ourselves can influence the impression we make more than what we say. Research in psychology has shown that in the process of communication, the perception of what is said largely depends on the non-verbal component. A truly authoritative parent may look like this: short, succinct phrases that are clear to the child’s mind, without raising the voice but not barely audible. Each phrase clearly formulates a specific requirement. If necessary, the parent warns the child of the consequences. Look straight into the child’s eyes, without aggression or threats. If the child is small, the parent bends down to be at eye level. Posture is straight, shoulders straightened, facing the child, without an arrogant, frozen pose - no tense cheekbones or clenched fists. Emotionally calm, confident and decisive. The ability to correctly use non-verbal messages is a great help in improving parenting skills. And remember: it is impossible to constantly control the child’s behavior but you can control your own!
Sometimes we focus so much on what we do not like about our children that we tend to overlook all the wonderful things they do. If we consciously start looking for good deeds instead of lamenting the bad ones, we will discover that our children actually do a lot of things exactly the way we want them to. Instead of overlooking this or taking it for granted, praise your child!
