THE GIFT OF TRUE FRIENDS

We are all born as individuals from a man and woman, a father and a mother: naked and dependent on adults for our survival. Our departure from the world is shrouded in uncertainty and when the time comes we leave this world alone and empty-handed. Our life is a mystery; death is the living reality that will visit us one day. In between our birth and death, life is a test and trial – according to Islam. We are linked with people and the world around us. We do not have any control over our birth; neither do we have any choice on our death. We work for our own destiny.

We rely on one another; babies on their parents and carers, the elderly and weak on their children or other adults. We need certain people more than others – parents, close family members, friends and spouses. For young people growing up these individuals play a vital role; amongst whom are friends – who are indeed irreplaceable. This is what the topic of this paper will be.

In my experience of working with young people in schools and communities, I have found that children today are enormously influenced by their peers, electronic gadgets (mobile, computer, TV, etc), and role models. In the commercialised world that we live in today, electronic gadgets and role models are marketed with targeted messages to arouse young people’s crave to buy the newest models and follow their role models. A lack of proper regulation within the advertising industry makes young people ever more indulgent in their cravings. ‘Compulsive consumerism’ dominates our world.

But friendship or companionship is something that is chosen from children’ surroundings – their own neighbourhood and school initially. Some early peers remain friends for the rest of our life. Others are met over the years; some are replaced and others are retained, depending on one’s sociability and real life situation, such as jobs and proximity to oneself.

Importance of friendship

Everyone needs friends and good companions. Two ancient proverbs are mentioned here,

“We can live without a brother, but not without a friend.”

“A life without a friend is a life without a sun”

Islam teaches us that friendship with one whose religion or lifestyle you trust and who is trustworthy, both inwardly and outwardly, can contribute towards one’s spirituality. Allah says,

“You will not find anyone who believes in Allah and the Last Day, making friendship with those who oppose Allah and His Messenger, even though they were their fathers, sons, brothers or their relatives. … They are the Party of Allah, indeed it is the Party of Allah that will be successful.’’ (Quran 58:22)

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) who has the most noble character and dealings with fellow humans gave us a clear message in regard to friendship.

“A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so be aware of whom you befriend.” Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidi

Good friendship versus bad friendship

Allah says in the Koran, “And (remember) the Day when the wrong-doer will bite his hands and say: Woe to me! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Woe to me! If only I had not taken so-and-so as a friend! He has led me astray from this Reminder (the Koran) after it had come to me. And Satan is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need.” (Quran 25:27-29)

“Friends on that Day will be enemies one to another, except the righteous.” (Korran 43:67)

In a hadith Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Mix with the noble people, become one of them; and keep away from evil people to protect yourself from their evils.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

In another tradition, he used a metaphor to distinguish between a good friendship and a bad friendship: “The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows. As for the seller of musk, either he will grant you some, or you will buy some from him, or at least you will enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who works the blacksmith’s bellows, either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Ibn Hazm quoted from a hadith, “Anyone who criticises you cares about your friendship. Anyone who makes light of your faults cares nothing about you.” Abu Dawud, Hasan Hadith.

Best example of a true friend

The best example of friendship can be found in the one between the Prophet (peace be upon him) and Abu Bakr Siddiq (may Allah be pleased with him). When the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was migrating (hijrah) from Mecca to Madina he would not leave until he had chosen a companion to accompany him on his way. Abu Bakr offered himself to accompany him, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) was waiting until Allah approved it.

“Allah did indeed help him (Muhammad) when the disbelievers drove him out. The second of the two, when they (Muhammad and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and said to his companion, ‘Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us’.” (Koran 9:40)

Abu Bakr, the most trusted friend and companion of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), sacrificed everything for the sake of Allah and to the service of the Prophet. He was given the title As-Siddiq or trustworthy.

How to choose friends?

Choosing a friend seems simple and some are better than others, if they are sociable in nature. But finding true friends needs some intuition and simple testing. Ancient proverbs say:

“An untried friend is like an uncracked nut.”

“Prove a friend before you seek him.”

It may not be easy for young children, as they may have a tendency to hang around with someone they can get along with and build a friendship with. Parents and guardians need to play a positive role in directing their children to choose true friends through taking a loving interest in their children’s life.

Maintaining friendliness to all human beings is vital for all. A Muslim should be a good friend of others in humanity and with the nature. However, we should choose close friends (Koranic term awliya) on the basis of their personal integrity, trustworthiness and other good human traits. We should avoid making our close friends those who are not well mannered and who do not give attention to what pleases or displeases Allah. A close friend will always behave like a mirror who gives an honest and undistorted image of a friend. They forgive mistakes, but do not hide or exaggerate strengths and weaknesses. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “The believer is like a mirror to other believers (in truthfulness).”

Once the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was asked, “What person can be the best friend?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) counselled, “He who helps you remember Allah (swt), and reminds you when you forget Him.” He was further asked, “Who is the best among people?” He replied, “He who, when you look at him, you remember Allah (swt)”. Such a friend reflects qualities of love, mercy, honesty, patience, optimism, professionalism and the entire lifestyle taught by Islam.

There is other beautiful advice from the wise and sages of the past, e.g.,

“Be not a friend with a fool, for he will harm you while meaning to do good to you.”

“It is better to listen to a wise enemy than to seek counsel from a foolish friend.”

“If a friend envies you, then he is not a true friend.”

Ali (may Allah be pleased with him), the fourth and wise caliph of Islam, said, “Verily, there are three (types of) friends for a Muslim,

The friend who says, ‘I am with you whether you are alive or dead’, and thus is his deed.
The friend who says, ‘I am with you unto the threshold of your grave and then I will leave you’, and thus are his children.
The friend who says: ‘I will be with you until when you die’, and thus is his wealth which will belong to the inheritors when he dies.”

Friendship based upon belief and consciousness of Allah is the true and lasting one. On the other hand, friendship based on materialistic reasons is transient and a losing concern for this world and the Hereafter. Kindness to and love for one another are the pillars of a long lasting friendship. A good friend is someone whose company brings blessings, reminds of the practice of Islam, increases knowledge, enhances spirituality and encourages dutifulness to the Muslim community and motivates one to work for all.

True friendship inspires one’s devotion to Allah and His Prophet (peace be upon him) and loyalty to one’s parents and family, as they are aware that their own children would inherit their qualities. Abdullah ibn ‘Umar related that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said,

“Obey your parents and treat them kindly, for, if you do so, your own children will be obedient and kind to you.” (Tabari)

To be continued…

THE GIFT OF TRUE FRIENDS