How to Keep Peace in the Family?
When leaving to work for several months, some husbands do not even ask about the condition of their wives and children. And when the wife says to him: «Take me with you too,» he replies sternly: «There are many women there, so I can take another one from there.» A man is indeed courageous who is not afraid of his wife! If she tells him in response that there are also many men there, she will be a woman with a bad tongue? Then I have a question: where is good nature? Where are the words of the Prophet e? One day a man asked the Prophet e, «What is religion?», and the Prophet e replied, «Good temper.» When you leave your wife in such a position at home, are not acquainted with her problems and respond in this way, is this courageous on your part? Does this demonstrate your good character? Did you ever hear of the Prophet e saying this? But the wife does not say such words to her husband and he leaves, kindling a fire of jealousy in her. Was it not possible to depart from this poor thing saying beautiful words to her, instead of leaving her in anger to contemplate you, thinking of revenge? And where is your reason? Where is your honour, conscience and dignity to speak in such a way to a weak, loving woman? When men say this to their wives, they forget that by doing this they extinguish love for themselves. The person who leaves his wife in such a jealous state is similar to one who plays with fire, and he who plays with fire will later be burnt. A reasonable person is someone who avoids such unnecessary utterances and problems.
It is said about women in the Qur’an, “Indeed, the intrigues of women are great.» In the Qur’an even Iblis is not spoken of in this way. Women are described in the Qur’an as those who create great intrigues - when a man leaves his wife’s house with a fire kindled in her soul, what will be his position, if she directs these intrigues and tricks against him? Do you think you can take it? However, a woman capable of such machinations can be overcome by a single good word of yours. If, instead of unkind words, you tell her: «I swear, dear, I would like to take you with me, but if I do, then I’ll have to rent an apartment. On this we will spend a lot of money. These funds we can save for the family, if you stay at home. I will somehow survive although hungry and thirsty - I live only for you, my dear.» If you say this to her, then surely you will not leave her with a fire of jealousy? But a man leaves her in anger to think: «Someday this scoundrel will fall into my hands.» This approach can be a reason for disagreement and the breakdown of the family.
Women unaccompanied by a mahram sit in taxis and also travel long distances. Moreover, they perfume themselves, wear beautiful clothes and communicate with the drivers as if they had known each other for a hundred years and carry on heartfelt conversations with fellow travellers. We know that in the Qur’an there is a call to the Prophet e that when his wives go out into the street, they do not adorn themselves. The wives of the Prophet e are the mothers of the faithful, possessors of the perfect mind - but our women, even when they are told not to go out, nevertheless do so, putting on perfume and make-up and in their best clothes. But the taxi driver and fellow travellers are human beings, who may be unprincipled. And when a woman communicates openly with one of them, he may think that she feels sympathy for him. After all, there is a Hadith, in which it is said that when two people (a man and a woman) are alone together, there is always a third who is Satan. And Satan will unequivocally inspire in them differing thoughts. And when her husband is told, «You can’t allow this, my dear man,» and they report what may have happened between them, the husband who sits at home and who does not make this his business, responds: «I didn’t think about this at all.» «I did not even think that people could behave in this way.» Through such a response he is making himself a saint. Do not pretend to create a saint of oneself.
A wife works and asks her sister to look after the children and her husband is at home at this time. After all, his wife’s sister is not a mahram to him and, besides, if this girl is still young, it causes many unnecessary conversations and confusion. One should be beware of such a situation and that above.
Men marry a second time and a third time and so on and when their wives ask them why they take a second wife, they answer: «How can one leave these women without husbands?», «We marry them to help them.» However, they marry those who are beautiful, rich and young. But poor, ugly and ill women who need help or who are raising orphans don’t get married. Where is the charity to the orphan or the sick? Does a good nature express itself through marriage to a young or rich woman who will provide for you? You married her to help her! Ponder on this. Did the Prophet e do this? Did he take the path of deception when he married his wives? Malik bin Dinar said: «Some of you do not marry orphans, but in marriage to them there is a reward for you. They do not require much.» With these words he seems to demonstrate the irrationality of men who do not take as their wives those who do not require much. In marrying them, they have reward and little expenditure. Ahmad bin Hanbal chose a blind woman for his wife instead of her sister.
A husband’s ineptitude in facilitating good relations between his mother and wife by explaining to each what defines her position (in the household). That is, through a husband’s inability to discern the difference between the status of a mother and the status of a wife. The women themselves do not know this and the husband does not figure out how to explain it to them. From the moment a mother brings a wife into the house for her son, she begins to treat her as if her daughter-in-law is her husband’s second wife. She begins act revengefully or treat her as her slave and the son does not know how to explain to his mother and to tell her, «This is my wife, not your competitor. You are my mother and for me your status and position is much higher, and this is my wife who is my equal.» And the wife also begins relate to her husband’s mother as if she were his second wife. The husband further does not know how to explain the situation to his wife and to tell her, «This is my mother who gave birth to me, I am in her debt. You are my wife, you have your position, and she is my mother, and she has her own position.» By their inability to create mutual relationships, the husband, by supporting his wife forces his mother to experience inner turmoil or, by supporting his mother, forces his wife to also experience such upset. The husband should know that his wife will never be his mother, and the mother will never become a wife. They are of different ages and different status. If he explains this to them, the dispute will end. This situation causes many discussions and disputes.
If we consider it from the aspect of goodwill, we know that a husband should be role model for his wife, but today some husbands do not quit the Internet. They communicate with any other woman affectionately and tenderly, and say beautiful, gentle and flattering words. They do not even know if the woman is married or divorced, but still communicate with her softly and gently. And as for his own wife, who gave birth to his children and has looked after him, he calls her words that humiliate her. He does not keep the promise given to her and does not pay her attention, but communicates affectionately with a strange woman. Be aware that the Shariat forbids such communication. If it were his daughter or sister, would he want outsiders to communicate with her? No one wants this. Let him imagine how it would be if an outsider communicated with his sister like this. If he communicates in this manner after the conclusion of nikah, then that is another matter. However, in most cases, he corresponds via WhatsApp and other messenger services with someone who will not conclude nikah with him. Here the question arises: if we are such righteous Muslims, where indeed is our good nature? Seeing all this, a wife loses respect for her husband.
SHEIKH AKHMAD-AFANDI,
MUFTI OF DAGESTAN REPUBLIC
