Why do children start being envious?

When parents see their children developing unpleasant, repulsive qualities, they feel shame (“we are raising them poorly”), panic (“what if they do something else bad?”).

Envy is one of those traits that turns our sweet little angels into little dragons, ready to incinerate everything in their path. If we see a very small child being envious, it does not look so scary. Well, the baby cried because his friend on the playground has a truck and he does not. This is no big deal, we will buy him a similar one. But as they grow older, envy takes on more sophisticated forms, it can lead to constant quarrels in the family and in a children’s group, as well as even to physical violence and theft. So why do such unpleasant qualities appear in our little ones and how can we teach children to live without envy?

“Children generally experience envy for the first time at the age of five. By the age of four, they begin to feel the need for attention, praise, and encouragement from their parents. At an earlier age, children also need love but in other forms. Namely, at the age of four, they move on to a new stage of growing up. As psychoanalyst Hines Kohut said, a child’s personality is nurtured by the sparkle in their parents’ eyes”, emphasizes psychologist Anastasia Lugova.

According to experts, it is important for children that their achievements are noticed by the people dearest to them - mothers and fathers. From the age of four to five, they very carefully monitor whether their parents’ praise goes only to them. There is nothing wrong with this, this stage of childhood vanity passes very quickly, and, sated with parental attention, children move forward with greater confidence.

“Jealousy, envy, and greed are interconnected. They all come from the lack of conviction “I am good and worthy of love”. This awareness is very important for both adults and children. Without receiving this, a person begins to demand love, compares himself with others, suffers and tries in every way to prove that he is no worse than others. If a child begs for parental love, it means that the foundation on which the personality is built is destroyed,” shares Anastasia Lugova.

It is important not to miss the period when a child first begins to demand something and to prove to adults that he has his own opinion. Everyone who has children is familiar with the time parents clutch their heads and do not know where to hide from little tyrants who are going through a two- or three-year crisis. During this period, the child is literally torn apart by his conflicting desires. It is important for parents not to extinguish any manifestations of independence but to maintain a sense of confidence in him. When adults constantly scold and shame a two-year-old for his pranks, they instill in him the conviction that something is wrong with him. And at this age, children believe their parents.

Envy is a trap

When children experience a lack of “self-esteem,” they look for a way to compensate for this feeling. “When a child understands that if he wants something very much and starts thinking only about it, then he becomes confident that his own value will increase when he achieves what he wants,” warns the psychologist. Children envy their friends, younger brothers and sisters because they think that they are loved because they have that a game’s puzzle builder or tablet they desire. With age, the stakes rise and the subject of envy becomes the appearance, intelligence and special skills that others have. But the reason is still the same – constantly playing out the scenario “I am good and worthy of love.”

How to overcome bouts of envy?

According to experts, the main mistake of adults is that they begin to blame the child, demanding that he immediately get rid of this feeling. Many people are familiar with the situation when during a visit or on the playground, a child cries tirelessly and demands urgently that he is bought the same toy as a baby near him has and is indignant because she or he has it but he does not. In such a situation, parents begin to explain that envy is very bad and that only the worst children are capable of this. From this reaction, daughters and sons feel worse, unnecessary and unloved.

Psychologists warn that a parent needs to act completely differently. First of all, talk to the child about his feelings, “I understand that you want this very much”. And then understand what this desire is connected with and discuss why she or he needs this particular toy so much. Even if the child has already developed the sense of a deficit of love and attention, parents can make up for it. Envy cannot be defeated by prohibitions, shouting and various of punishments. The child should be treated with trust, attention, the ability to rejoice at every achievement of the child, as well as with the sparkle in the eyes of the mother and father. Parents need to show every day that their son or daughter is heard, understood and loved.

Why do children start being envious?