Ten steps on how to give up forbidden relationships
- Know that this person is not right for you
You cannot build a happy home on a foundation of sin. Remember: you never loved this person for the sake of Allah, no matter how much you discussed religion or how much you felt about them. This does not mean you cannot have a good, healthy relationship with this person in the future. However, first of all, it is important to put a stop to this forbidden relationship and set a condition: if one truly wants to marry, he or she must make the correct intention and adhere to proper etiquette. If this is your case, then make a decision now; do not continue to build a relationship on the same old, flawed foundation.
- Do what you love
Be busy in what you truly enjoy. Besides performing religious duties (prayer, etc.), do things you truly enjoy. Play sports, go for a hike, take a walk, etc. Fill your time with something positive and productive. And do not let your thoughts wander where they should not.
- Stop looking for love in completely inappropriate places
Let your heart be filled with love for Allah, the Almighty. There is a satisfaction and joy that cannot be found anywhere except with the Almighty. Know that He has always cared for you and has not forgotten you. Ask Him to forgive you and trust Him. He will not abandon you. And do not be afraid to be alone at times... just you and your Creator.
- Do a good deed afterward
So, you feel like you have stumbled, made mistakes. Do something good now. Give alms to the needy, feed the hungry. Just be grateful that Allah saved you from what could have been your destruction in both worlds. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
- Analyze the situation
Evaluate the place of marriage in your current life. Is the time really right? If not, how soon will it be? Are there things you need to do before you are ready? Consult with good, righteous and knowledgeable people. Use this time to improve your relationship with your parents. Ask them what they think and talk to them about your feelings. You will gain useful information and strengthen your relationship with them.
- Do things that improve your well-being
During this difficult time, take care of yourself, mind, body and soul. Keep yourself busy with studying, acquiring useful knowledge, eating healthy, exercising, listening to and reading the Koran more, volunteering at a charitable event... basically, do whatever brings you satisfaction.
- Learn about true love
Learn about what lawful and true love actually is. Yes, it exists. And it is not what many people think nor is it what is portrayed in movies. True, lawful love is when the Prophet ﷺ wept upon seeing the necklace of Khadijah presented to his daughter Zaynab, despite the fact that much time had passed since his wife’s death. The true love is when she supported him while the whole world turned against him. True love is when a person wants their significant other to do good so that they can share in eternal Paradise. This is not about meeting a girl at a party and committing suicide because you cannot be together. Learn what true love truly means and this will help you quickly leave forbidden relationships behind.
- Be among the righteous people
Find a spiritual mentor (tariqa sheikh) who will teach you how to worship God correctly and sincerely. Someone who will help you rid yourself of the defects of the heart, of illnesses of the soul such as self-love, pride, anger, envy, etc. He will help you gain a clear perspective on life and the future. Trust such a mentor as a patient trusts an experienced doctor. Follow his instructions, diligently fulfill the task (wird) he gives you. And hope that through the grace of the righteous beloved of the Almighty, you will find grace in life and be strengthened on the right path.
Muhammad-Faruk Azimov
Theologian
