Let the Soul Grow
Science surprisingly confirms the wisdom revealed 1,500 years ago in the hadith of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.
I was given another reason to reflect on this when reading an excerpt from a lecture by Carl Gustav Jung, the founder of analytical psychology.
The psychologist asks a question that every reflective person asks himself in one form or another: “...Are you permitted to save a person from what he is destined to endure for the sake of his further development?” These words reminded me of the lines of a hadith from the Messenger of God ﷺ, which, at least in part, answer the question posed above: “Part of the beautiful confession of one’s Islam is to leave behind what does not concern him.” (Narrated by Ahmad & At-Tirmidhi). In other words, if you call yourself a believer, you should first and foremost pay attention to your life, your inner world and character, your behavior and mistakes. Or, as William Shakespeare said, “You are so eager to judge the sins of others – start with your own, and you will never reach the others.” At the same time, Islam encourages us to guide those who have stumbled and to avoid indifference to lawlessness, immorality and violations of the Creator’s covenants.
But how can we determine the line beyond which our sincere desire to guide our neighbor becomes unnecessary interference and tactful silence becomes an expression of true wisdom?
Islam, while calling us to mutual assistance and the correction of evil, simultaneously teaches the subtle art of distinguishing between sincere guidance and intrusive moralizing. The former is born of love and compassion for a loved one, the latter from pride and a desire to control. The hadith, which speaks of the importance of abandoning what does not concern us personally, is not an excuse for inaction, but a subtle instruction: we are responsible for our intentions and efforts, but not for the outcome, which is predetermined by the Almighty.
We must recognize a fundamental law of development: true transformation comes from within. Our role is not to drag someone along their path, but to gently point the way, leaving them free to choose whether to continue, turn back, or perhaps begin again. Carl Jung continues this thought: “You cannot prevent some people from committing terrible follies, for they are in their blood. If I stop them, it will be no credit to them. For the sake of our own dignity, for the sake of psychological development, we must accept ourselves as we are and live the life entrusted to us seriously. We need our sins, our mistakes, and our delusions, otherwise we will be deprived of the most powerful incentives for development.”
Modern science has repeatedly confirmed the importance of internal transformation. First and foremost, scientists have discovered that our brain is neuroplastic, it has the ability to change its structure and functions in response to new experiences, learning and even damage. This property allows the brain to adapt to changing environmental conditions and optimise its functioning. And, as we know, the brain learns best from mistakes (and much more effectively from its own). Every failure activates the areas responsible for attention and learning, forcing us to seek new, more effective solutions.
When we try to shield our loved ones from any failures, we risk fostering in them what is known as learned helplessness: a state in which a person loses faith in his own abilities and the ability to solve problems independently. The right to make mistakes, pause, stop and try again is not a privilege, but a necessary condition for achieving spiritual and psychological resilience.
Another key to understanding this thesis is provided by attachment theory, according to which the healthiest relationships are a secure base, a foundation, a wall. A child or an adult who knows they are accepted for who they are, that they have someone to lean on, trust and whose opinion they can rely on, explores the world more boldly and copes with setbacks more easily. Our task is to be such a “safe base” for our loved ones, not a guide leading them by the hand. Accepting love and trust in the Almighty are those things that give a person the strength to rise after a fall, seeing it not as a disaster, but as a lesson given by the Merciful One for spiritual growth.
Checklist for the Mentor
To find the golden mean between the duty of guidance and respect for another’s path, one can use a unique internal checklist based on both spiritual and moral principles and psychological theory:
- Checking Intention: “For whose sake am I doing this? For one’s benefit, or to calm my own irritated mind and assert myself?” Sincere advice is born of compassion, not judgment.
- Checking Competence and Authority: “Do I have sufficient understanding of the situation and the spiritual/moral authority to give advice in this area? Am I close enough to the person that my word will be heard and not rejected?”
- Checking appropriateness: “Is this the right time and place? Am I risking public humiliation with my comment?” Sincere guidance is always tactful and typically occurs privately.
- Accepting the outcome: “Have I done everything in my power, with kindness and wisdom? If the person did not accept the advice, can I let go of the situation with peace of mind, trusting in the Almighty, Who guides whomever He wills?”
The Art of Letting Go
The last point is perhaps the most difficult. Often, we are very reluctant to let go of a situation; we strive to act as a rescuer, pulling the drowning person out in their stead, even if they have not asked for it. But, as psychologists have also discovered, every rescuer usually has an ulterior motive (in this role, they may experience a sense of self-respect or enjoy seeing someone depend on them or trust them). Moreover, as they navigate the so-called Karpman Triangle (if you are curious, do not hesitate to read more about it in specialised sources), people tend to quickly switch roles, turning from rescuer to victim or even persecutor (aggressor). And unless you are dealing with an emergency services worker, a firefighter, or a doctor, in most cases, ostentatious altruism and excessive empathy conceal issues with self-esteem, anxiety, and attachment.
“I do not try to bring back a man who heard something that could have changed his soul but walked away without paying attention. You may accuse me of barbarity, but that no longer bothers me. I am on the side of nature,” concludes Carl Jung. And while this may seem cold and detached, it is actually more honest than trying to catch up and convince and it makes more sense. After all, as the ancient Chinese Book of Wisdom, which the psychologist cites, says, “the teacher speaks only once”. If a person is given the gift of understanding, he will learn the lesson the first time, but if not, he will likely never learn it. A teacher can be a spiritual mentor, a life lesson, or a mistake, but not everyone who wants to teach or instruct can claim this role.
Whether a person listens is a matter of his (not ours) choice and willingness to accept instruction. This wisdom conceals a profound humility before the Creator’s plan and His care, His mercy for every soul, which we are not always able to comprehend.
Life is a winding path, and each of us carries our own burden and moves along it at our own pace. Sometimes helping means pointing out a stone in the road. But often it means simply walking alongside, not trying to carry someone else’s burden, trusting that the Almighty has given each person just as much strength as they need. This is the great mercy bestowed upon us by the Creator. True art lies in learning to discern these moments, listening not only to a sense of duty but also to the silent language of silence, where our inner voice speaks.
