Mom, Dad and a Broken World
A life together without conflicts and disputes, complete agreement between spouses, the ability to compromise and make concessions...
Having created a family and lived under the same roof for several years, we understand that such a scenario cannot always be realized.
Even in loving and harmonious couples, disagreements happen but most often they end in a quick reconciliation, especially if the spouses do not tell the whole world about what happened but try to cool down and then move on to a constructive dialogue. But what if the most vulnerable members of the family - children - witness the quarrel? How can we protect their fragile world from such a frightening phenomenon? After all, for adults, a quarrel is just a quarrel. And for children, every offensive word thrown by parents at each other is a broken dream, a faded hope, a dark cloud on the horizon of a happy childhood.
Studies have shown that starting from six months, a child who hears and observes a domestic conflict releases the stress hormone cortisol and has an increased heart rate. The older the child gets, the more susceptible he is to the quarrels of his mother and father. The consequences of this can be impaired brain development, depression, insomnia, diuresis, tics and obsessive movements.
Of course, loving parents should do everything possible to ensure that children never witness conflicts. But what to do if this still cannot be avoided and a daughter or son sees an angry, insulting mother and father?
The first thing adults should do is ask the children for forgiveness for not being able to pull themselves together. It is necessary to remember that an argument between a mother and father does not affect the love of both parents for their children. Some, finding themselves in such a situation, cannot cope with emotions and continue to express them violently. Instead, psychologists advise reducing emotional tension, by hugging the child, picking him up and calmly explaining what is happening. It is very important to prove to young family members that they are not the cause of what is happening. Often children are tormented by guilt, thinking that quarrels between parents are a consequence of their bad behavior. It is a huge mistake to drag them into a conflict, to try to pull them over to your side and to manipulate feelings. A quarrel between parents is a problem between two adults and children should not touch this side of interpersonal relationships in any way.
Always remember that even small children feel everything and understand a lot. Sometimes adults, without a twinge of conscience, sort things out when their baby is playing nearby. It seems to them that a child of two or three years old does not understand anything anyway. But this is not so. Do not deceive him by saying that everything that happened was just a joke, because children discern lies like no one else. And, as you know, a small deception leads to a big lie. Explain that sometimes such things happen, the main thing is not to give in to anger and look for a way to reconciliation.
To calm a child’s heart, you need to let him know that mother and father are making every effort to resolve the problematic situation. When the quarrel is over, show the kids that harmony reigns in the family again. Hug your son or daughter together and tell them that such situations will not happen again. And, although disputes periodically occur in every family, they should be resolved not by shouting, but by calm, thoughtful dialogue.
